My Last Memories of Amma

Recollections by Didi Ji

I arrived in our Delhi Ashram, Golok Dham, at 2:30 a.m. on February 20th. In retrospect I realize that it was only with Amma’s infinite grace that I ended up in India at this time. With me were eight devotees from the U.S. and Trinidad. At 4 am we all had Amma’s darshan. When I saw Amma, I was saddened to see the oxygen tank that was helping Her breathe. Being particular about exercise, Amma was taking Her usual morning walk in the Golok Dham temple, resting after every few steps. Later in Her room I had the opportunity to rub the soles of Amma’s lotus feet very gently, and was grateful for the seva. Since Amma’s immune system was extremely weak, devotees were not allowed to go near Amma. Everyone had been instructed to keep a distance.

Two of Amma’s assistants: Durga and Sharda were in Delhi with Her. Amma asked Sharda about Durga, and was told that Durga was taking a bath. Amma said, “She is very fond of taking baths, just like Saunpi.” Amma asked me whether I knew of Saunpi, an oldtime devotee who lived in Mangarh and who had passed away years ago. I said that I did indeed remember this wonderful devotee. Amma said, “She also was very fond of taking baths; so much so that at times she would bathe at midnight.” Amma then started reminiscing about the olden days when there was serious keertan and there were more serious devotees. I have noticed that Amma often mentions the olden days and old time devotees very affectionately.

Three of Amma’s grandsons: Ramanand, Krishnanand and Premanand, were also in Golok Dham, and I spoke to Ramanand who was sitting in Amma’s room. Amma pointed to him and mentioned that he is getting married in April. I said that I knew about that. Since it was not good for Amma to talk a lot, I left the room after bowing to Amma’s lotus feet and made preparations to leave for the airport at 6:30 a.m. How was I to know that it would be the last time I would see Amma! In retrospect my heart is full of gratitude, thinking of the opportunity Amma gave me to render some small service to Her and to touch Her lotus feet. Infinite are the graces Amma has showered upon me, but I shall never forget this final act of grace.

My heart told me to stay with Amma for a few days, but I left for Mangarh due to new devotees who would need my guidance in Mangarh. I made a plan to return to Delhi the day after Holi (March 11th) and spend about a week with Amma before taking a flight out of India. At the same time I was hopeful that Amma would come back to Mangarh soon and we would have Her with us at Holi time. Alas! This was not to be.

In Mangarh we continued to get reports on Amma’s health. It seemed that if one thing got fixed, another would go wrong. Amma was suffering from interstitial lung disease, ILD. It was very difficult to hear of Amma’s struggle with breathing. I could not help but think, “The entire universe belongs to Amma; She is Jagadamba, and yet there is no oxygen for Her!” This thought still haunts my mind.

On the 10th of March we received devastating news of Amma’s health in Mangarh. The news was that the doctors had given up on Amma. We knew then that the only solution left was for Amma to heal Herself. Shri Maharaj Ji heard the news, and made plans to travel to Delhi the same evening. Many of us took the flight with Maharaj Ji from Lucknow to Delhi. We all went to the hospital straight from the airport in South Delhi, which is called Max Devki Devi Heart & Vascular Institute.

Shri Maharaj Ji went upstairs to the ICU and told Amma, “I have come.” Amma looked at Maharaj Ji and acknowledged His presence. Maharaj Ji asked how Amma was doing. Amma told Maharaj Ji that She was not being given water; so Maharaj Ji gave Amma some water in a spoon.

In the meantime, many devotees were waiting downstairs. Maharaj Ji came down from the ICU and reassured all the devotees that there was nothing to worry about, and told everyone to go home. This was at night, after 10 p.m. on March 10th. Maharaj Ji then went to our nearby ashram, Kishori Kunj to rest. However, there was no question of anyone sleeping. We all waited at the hospital, and finally I was given the opportunity to go upstairs and touch Amma’s lotus feet. I was told that after that, no one was to be allowed to go near Amma. Again, I felt extremely grateful for this rare opportunity.

Early next morning Shri Maharaj Ji left Kishori Kunj ashram to go to Golok Dham ashram, which is located in Dwarka, near the international airport. By the evening time on the 11th, many devotees from different parts of India and the world had reached Delhi. The ashram was full of people, all concerned about their Amma. The 11th was the day of Holi, the festival of colours, but the day seemed very dull and gray. Amma’s condition was worsening, and on the night of the 12th, Shri Maharaj Ji instructed all devotees to leave for Vrindavan. Everyone knew what that meant. Amma was not getting better. It seemed that She had decided to leave for Her divine abode, Golok.

On the night of the 12th, I went to the hospital and saw Amma in the ICU from the glass doors. The ventilator had already been in place since the night of the 10th, and the doctors had placed Amma in a state of induced coma. Amma and Maharaj Ji’s both sons (our Bhaiyas), 3 daughters (our divine Didis), the 3 grandsons (twins, Ramanand and Krishnanand, and Premanand), their mother; our Bhabhi, all were with Amma. Two of the devotees, who are doctors, had been with Amma inside the ICU for many days. Their presence there reassured us all greatly. Our two local preachers, Yogeshwari Didi and Kishori Didi, had been in the hospital most of the time for many days, performing all kinds of selfless service.

In Amma’s final hours we saw Amma’s oxygen level going further and further down. Doctors had hoped that with the help of the ventilator the lungs would start working a little on their own. However, this was not to be. Our Amma left Her body at 3:35 a.m. on Friday, March 13th. I left along with others for Vrindavan. Most devotees were already there, as was Shri Maharaj Ji.

Amma’s body was brought to Vrindavan and to Shyama Shyam Dham. We all waited outside with flower petals in our hands. Amma’s body was taken inside the hall and the entire hall erupted into tears. Then Shri Maharaj Ji entered the hall. All the devotees had been crying, but seeing Shri Maharaj Ji, it seemed that everyone let out a collective cry, as if to say, “Please bring back our Mother.”

Shri Maharaj Ji knew that if He stayed there, the devotees would be even more devastated. So our merciful Master left the hall after bowing to Amma and placing a garland of roses around Her.

Then we started doing ‘parikrama’ (circumambulation) around Amma. Amma looked like She was just sleeping, and looked as beautiful as always. Even now devotees had the opportunity to touch Her lotus feet. Devotees took turns sitting beside Amma, fanning Her. Everyone was grieving the passing of our most merciful mother. The chanting was non-stop. We were reciting the MahaMantra (Hare Ram Hare Ram, Ram Ram Hare Hare. Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna Hare Hare), with the accompaniment of various instruments such as the harmonium, dholak, and cymbals.

The ‘parikrama’ continued till the next morning, and all the devotees were then asked to gather outside. The three Didis then bathed and dressed Amma’s body. Shri Maharaj Ji placed ‘sindoor’ in the parting of Amma’s hair, and then began the final journey.

Never before had Vrindavan seen such a glorious funeral procession. Thousands of people were walking, all wearing their yellow prayer shawls. Some of us were sitting atop a truck, showering flower petals for Amma, and throwing coins to those in need.

The journey lasted 2 ½ hours and we reached Kesi Ghat, where Amma’s body was going to be offered to fire. This was the most difficult time for all of us. We all bade farewell to our Divine Mother, and mentally bowed to Her.

We all realize that an extremely important chapter has closed in our lives. Our lives are completely changed. All the devotees are now reflecting more deeply on how Amma has graced us all in so many ways.

In the words of one devotee, “I could never really concentrate much on Amma while doing Roopdhyan, but now Amma’s image comes very clearly in front of me, as if She is standing before me.” Amma continues to grace us all even though She is no longer with us in Her physical form.

Shri Maharaj Ji has said to all of us, “Your Amma is no longer in front of you in Her physical form, but in Her subtle form She has merged into Me. Now I am your Amma, your Papa and your Guru.”

We all humbly beg our Pyari Pyari Amma Ji to remain with us for all lifetimes to come.

Pyari Pyari Amma Kee Jai!

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